Struggling

Hard core.

Before I go any further, let me just warn you: this post is a real Debbie Downer. If you are in any kind of a good mood, stop reading! If you are even just the least bit content and satisfied with life, stop reading! Come back when you're feeling more "eh." I don't want to be a buzzkill. :)

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with my little daddy's boy. It's normal, it's a phase.....then why does it hurt so much? What hurts you ask? When Trevor is holding Declan and hands him to me so he can do something, and Dec starts crying and reaches for Trevor, and won't even care that his mommy has him. What hurts more is when I've been gone all day, having left before Dec even got up, and when I finally see my baby, get to hold him, all he wants is daddy and being in my arms is torture. That was Saturday. And I lost it. I had been in Temecula doing a wedding, and I didn't get home until 7:30. All I wanted was to see my boys, to hold and cuddle D. But he wanted no part of that. And I couldn't handle it. I held him, begging him to just cuddle to me, crying right along with him, but for different reasons. I was tired, SUPER tired, so that didn't help my emotions. But it does really suck. I guess I was spoiled, he was such a mommy's boy for so long, wanting me over daddy. At the time, I didn't think much of it, of Trevor's side of it. Now I know how horrible it is. Perhaps I am a bit dramatic, but again, I'm tired, and I just want to get this out. I am sure this is just a phase. He's only 14 months old. (Today!) But there is a little part of me that fears it will never be better. That he will always want daddy more and could care less about mommy. I know it's irrational, but it's how I feel. I am learning that parenthood is not great for someone with low self esteem! :)

Speaking of which, I've been feeling really crummy lately. Probably compounded by Declan's "could care less" attitude toward me. I've always struggled with depression, been on meds, seen counselors. And it's worked amazingly for me. I am LIGHT YEARS ahead of how I used to be. And I've learned "tricks" (if you will) for how to get out of funks, or ways to "self-sooth". (How's that for shrink speak!) I am finding that I have to use those techniques (that sounds better!) a lot these days.

I'm also struggling with the fact that I "want" more than I "need". This isn't necessarily a bad thing of course, it's good when needs are being met. My struggle is that I can't seem to shake how much I WANT things. A new camera, a new car, more clothes, a house, a new laptop, a chimpanzee......ok not that last one, that was for fun. :) Some of those things aren't horrible to want (house) but the fact that I want so much and just can't quite feel content makes me sad. I DO have a really good camera. I get to drive the current new car. I'm never without clothes to wear.....contrary to popular belief. :) I have a great apartment in IRVINE!!! We have two working computers. I just wish I could be content, knowing that I have been blessed with SO MUCH!! I feel like I complain a lot, and I really shouldn't. Yes, there are circumstances in our life that kinda suck (debt from an amazing year living abroad and traveling, health insurance being ridiculously expensive) but it's nothing tragic. Even the best things have come from those circumstances: ice skating on the Eiffel Tower, snowboarding in the French Alps, swimming in the Mediterranean, driving through the Scottish countryside; memories that we will never forget!

And yet here I am: Pity, party of one.

So what do I do? Pray. Pray pray pray!! For contentment. For joy! Serve God and see how he blesses me more! Giving all my worries to him, for He will take care of them. Seriously, I truly believe that He will take care of me, get me through this funk. I have faith that He can strengthen me through this inner turmoil (really getting melodramatic here!) and I will come through a better person. He has before. He will again!

Well that ended better than I thought it would! :)