Away We Go

Right now, as I type this, we are driving up the 99 heading to Fresno. What special magical powers do I have that I can blog while driving up the center of our state? Well, for one thing, I'm not the one driving. Secondly, our friend is letting us use their computer which has cell phone like wireless capabilities. It is awesome! I've totally got something to do besides sleep and take care of D when he wakes up and realizes he can't move and starts crying! :)

This is our first vacation as a family! It should be exciting, we will be with other family the entire time. Tonight we arrive in Fresno, and go straight to bed. Tomorrow, my brothers, their families, and my aunt, uncle, and cousins arrive. (My parents came up today.) Tomorrow night, my grandmother and grandfather will have both their children, all their grandchildren, and ALL their great-grandchildren, all under the same roof. That's two sons, their wives, 5 grandkids, 3 with their spouses, and 5 great-grandkids! This has not happened in 6 years, let alone with the greats. What an amazing day it will be for my grandparents (all three of mine, as my mom's mom has come along for the fun!) Trevor and I have taken on the daunting task of cooking dinner for everyone. We were given THE BEST enchilada recipe from Dawn and Jason, and we want to share it with whomever we can! :)

Then on Sunday, we'll head out to Lodi for the ??st/nd/rd/th Annual Cull Reunion (my dad's mom's side.) Lots more aunts and uncles and cousins to catch up and hang out with. My grandpa will make homemade vanilla ice cream that my grandma grates a Hershey's bar into, making it Chocolate Chip Ice Cream!!! I can't wait, I haven't had it in years! I'm really so very excited for Declan to experience this. I grew up going to these reunions, EVERY summer, first Sunday in August. Then, adulthood came and other things were more important, like work, or not driving up north for one weekend. :( Or living in another country. Hopefully, we can make it to more reunions in the future.....

That night, we will drive to San Fransisco, caravaning with my brothers and their families. We are renting a house in Pacific Heights for two nights, and then on Tuesday, we'll head down to Monterey for another couple nights. Then home on Thursday. I'm excited to be on vacation with my family. It will be a lot of fun.

But I am nervous about taking care of D. He doesn't have a lot of teeth, so he doesn't eat a lot of foods.....or at least I have not tried to give him certain foods. This week should be a good challenge for us and hopefully stretch me out of my "I don't know what I'm doing" bubble, when it comes to food that is. I know we won't be able to keep up his schedule 100%, but I'm sure we'll survive that. At least we're not changing time zones! :) If you think to, pray for us this week that we enjoy our vacation more than struggle through it.

Though you have every reason to not trust me, I will still say that I will post pictures of our trip......someday. :) I have so many pictures already to post, but blogging has just been a low priority lately. I wish it wasn't. But it is. Until then, check out the blogs to the right, they're really cool, and usually way more up to date than mine! :)

Walking Octopi

Remember this? It was the adorable first Halloween costume that I had dreamt of for years for my first child to be in! We had gotten a 6-12 months size, so a few weeks ago I got the brilliant idea that Dec would still fit in it....and he did!! And now he walks so it's THAT much cuter! He was so thrilled to be in it, see:

"Seriously, I'm leaving if you don't get me out of this."

*very loud exasperated sigh*

"Gotta find a way outta this thing. Let's see, is this the zipper?"

"Perhaps I can eat my way out..."

"Lady, put the camera down and TAKE THIS THING OFF!"

"I'm over it."

Rejected?!

I recently submitted photos from Declan's latest shoot to a talent agency. Practically since he was born I've been told I should get him into modeling, and my goodness, he does look like a model:

But can you believe it, he was rejected!! They said "we are currently full with his age & look". What?! Look at this kid, would you reject him?!

Yes, I am aware that I am his mother and my opinion may not reflect that of everyone else on the planet. But really, come on! :)

Hair

Last night's post was a super downer huh?! So let's pick ourselves back up and have a really fun post, what do you say!? Declan's hair is crazy! I swear I do NOTHING to it! I have chronicled his crazy hair days the last few weeks, so here's the look he's been sporting lately.

His eyes are all teary cause I wasn't picking him up....and I wonder why he's not my biggest fan right now! :)

Ok, these next two, gravity was helping.... :)

I freaking love this kid!

Struggling

Hard core.

Before I go any further, let me just warn you: this post is a real Debbie Downer. If you are in any kind of a good mood, stop reading! If you are even just the least bit content and satisfied with life, stop reading! Come back when you're feeling more "eh." I don't want to be a buzzkill. :)

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with my little daddy's boy. It's normal, it's a phase.....then why does it hurt so much? What hurts you ask? When Trevor is holding Declan and hands him to me so he can do something, and Dec starts crying and reaches for Trevor, and won't even care that his mommy has him. What hurts more is when I've been gone all day, having left before Dec even got up, and when I finally see my baby, get to hold him, all he wants is daddy and being in my arms is torture. That was Saturday. And I lost it. I had been in Temecula doing a wedding, and I didn't get home until 7:30. All I wanted was to see my boys, to hold and cuddle D. But he wanted no part of that. And I couldn't handle it. I held him, begging him to just cuddle to me, crying right along with him, but for different reasons. I was tired, SUPER tired, so that didn't help my emotions. But it does really suck. I guess I was spoiled, he was such a mommy's boy for so long, wanting me over daddy. At the time, I didn't think much of it, of Trevor's side of it. Now I know how horrible it is. Perhaps I am a bit dramatic, but again, I'm tired, and I just want to get this out. I am sure this is just a phase. He's only 14 months old. (Today!) But there is a little part of me that fears it will never be better. That he will always want daddy more and could care less about mommy. I know it's irrational, but it's how I feel. I am learning that parenthood is not great for someone with low self esteem! :)

Speaking of which, I've been feeling really crummy lately. Probably compounded by Declan's "could care less" attitude toward me. I've always struggled with depression, been on meds, seen counselors. And it's worked amazingly for me. I am LIGHT YEARS ahead of how I used to be. And I've learned "tricks" (if you will) for how to get out of funks, or ways to "self-sooth". (How's that for shrink speak!) I am finding that I have to use those techniques (that sounds better!) a lot these days.

I'm also struggling with the fact that I "want" more than I "need". This isn't necessarily a bad thing of course, it's good when needs are being met. My struggle is that I can't seem to shake how much I WANT things. A new camera, a new car, more clothes, a house, a new laptop, a chimpanzee......ok not that last one, that was for fun. :) Some of those things aren't horrible to want (house) but the fact that I want so much and just can't quite feel content makes me sad. I DO have a really good camera. I get to drive the current new car. I'm never without clothes to wear.....contrary to popular belief. :) I have a great apartment in IRVINE!!! We have two working computers. I just wish I could be content, knowing that I have been blessed with SO MUCH!! I feel like I complain a lot, and I really shouldn't. Yes, there are circumstances in our life that kinda suck (debt from an amazing year living abroad and traveling, health insurance being ridiculously expensive) but it's nothing tragic. Even the best things have come from those circumstances: ice skating on the Eiffel Tower, snowboarding in the French Alps, swimming in the Mediterranean, driving through the Scottish countryside; memories that we will never forget!

And yet here I am: Pity, party of one.

So what do I do? Pray. Pray pray pray!! For contentment. For joy! Serve God and see how he blesses me more! Giving all my worries to him, for He will take care of them. Seriously, I truly believe that He will take care of me, get me through this funk. I have faith that He can strengthen me through this inner turmoil (really getting melodramatic here!) and I will come through a better person. He has before. He will again!

Well that ended better than I thought it would! :)